Bigotry Against White Supremacists

After the news today that Kevin William Harpham has been arrested in conjunction with a plot to detonate an explosive device along the route of a Martin Luther King, Jr. Day parade route in Spokane, I've seen quite a bit of bigotry directed at innocent white supremacists. As of now there's no evidence that Harpham was working with any sort of group. Mark Potok of the Southern Poverty Law Center even points out that,

it is "extremely unlikely" the attempted bombing was carried out by a group. ..."What we see are lone wolf attacks," Potok said, possibly with one or two confederates.

The vast majority of white supremacists do not commit acts of terrorism. Sure they have an ideology that's out of the mainstream and repulsive to most Americans, but only a few of them actually resort to terrorist violence. We shouldn't jump to the conclusion that white supremacist ideology is connected to terrorism. That's horribly unfair to the majority of law-abiding white supremacists. Why should we single them out for surveillance and special attention just because of the actions of a few extremists?

Democratic Promise to America - Top Ten Points

After House Republicans released their "Pledge to America," Democrats reacted quickly by drawing up their own "Promise to America." The Unreligious Right has obtained an exclusive preview of the top ten points.

1. Spend more money. Despite all the evidence that more spending has not produced job growth, more needs to be spent -- whether we have it available or not. That's why we have a mint & the federal reserve. No matter how much Republicans want to spend, we promise to always spend more.

2. Ignore the debt & the deficit. Focus on right now and the future will take care of itself.

3. Find new ways to raise taxes. We'll do everything possible to create new taxes, even if we have to call them something else.

4. Attack any significant tax cut as tax cuts for the "rich." Rich means whoever we say it means.

5. Equate tax cuts with spending. Even though tax cuts are reductions in revenue and are not spending of any kind, we will continue to call them costs so we can say they cost too much.

6. Create new government programs. America needs more and bigger government. There is no problem that can't be solved by the government. Greater government involvement in everything will be our first resort.

7. Increase funding regardless of returns. This means more spending on education and unproven alternative energy sources.

8. If we absolutely have to make any cuts in spending, look first to cutting defense. National security is our least important priority.

9. Increase regulation, red tape and bureaucracy. Small businesses don't need tax cuts. They need more rules, requirements, fees and government oversight. They can count on the Democratic Party to provide those things.

10. Find new ways to dismiss any and all criticism or counter-proposals from political opponents as based on racism, bigotry, fear, support for the rich, or as un-American.

The Truman Center for Nuclear Peace

The U.S. attended the 65th anniversary ceremonies commemorating the atomic bombing of Hiroshima. It's memorable because the U.S. has never attended before, and because the Obama administration managed to resist what was probably an urge to apologize for taking a justifiable wartime action.

In other news, a private American group announced that they have purchased land, and plan to build a 15 story community center two blocks from ground zero in Hiroshima. The structure will be called the Truman Center for Nuclear Peace. The promoters hope to spread their message that nuclear weapons not only brought an end to the Pacific War, but kept the peace throughout the Cold War. Their organization stresses the peaceful purpose of nuclear weapons, and the developers believe this new center will help create greater understanding between Japanese and Americans on the issue of nuclear weapons. Initial reports show strong Japanese opposition to such a project, with many labeling it the Ground Zero Bomb Center.

Although recent polls show that more than 50% strongly oppose the Truman Center for Nuclear Peace, it has achieved remarkable support from local politicians and political pundits, particularly on the left. They point out that the center isn't about the bombing, but about peace, and that it isn't actually on ground zero -- it's a whole two blocks away. They derisively dismiss any and all opposition as ignorant anti-American bigotry. But opposition continues to grow.



For the clueless... everything but the first paragraph is satire.

Department of Education's Muslim Outreach Program

U.S. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan gave an interview to Al Jazeera today. According to Mr. Duncan, perhaps the "foremost" mission of the Department of Education involves outreach to the Muslim world.

before I became the Secretary of Education -- President Obama charged me with three things. One was he wanted me to help re-inspire children to want to get into science and math, he wanted me to expand our international relationships, and third, and perhaps foremost, he wanted me to find a way to reach out to the Muslim world and engage much more with dominantly Muslim nations to help them feel good about their historic contribution to education.

When pressed for specifics about why expanding international relationships & building self-esteem in the Muslim world were primary goals of a U.S. federal agency apparently devoted to an entirely different mission, the secretary had this to offer.

Well look, let's face it, we are doing a terrible job here at home with this whole education thing. We keep spending more and more money and have less and less to show for it. Why shouldn't we focus on something that just makes people feel good instead? And after all, international cooperation with Islamic nations will help improve education here at home. We have schools that want to teach intelligent design in science classes. Wouldn't they benefit from the latest Islamic creationist research? People associate creationism with Christianity, but Muslim countries are also doing great work in that area.

There are all sorts of things we could learn. What's the best way to stone a woman to death for adultery? When is it justified for a man to beat his wife, and how hard? Those questions can only be answered by Islamic scholars.

Duncan described education as an international collaboration of which Muslim nations must be a part.

It is a matter of trying to reach out and get the best of all worlds, if you will, and there is much to be gained by drawing in the contributions that are possible from the Muslim (nations)."

Almost as an afterthought, the secretary did state that the U.S. Department of Education will still be working on issues related to U.S. education -- sort of.

For anyone reading who might be clueless... this is satire. Some text was quoted either directly or altered from the following article.

President Obama Vows to Stick to the Truth

President Obama has come to a startling conclusion in the aftermath of the bruising health care fight. He faces an uphill battle to enact other major legislative priorities, the country is more polarized than ever, and his job approval is slipping. With all that in mind, the president has decided it might be time to employ a new political tactic: telling the truth. He offered these candid thoughts.

I've been thinking, maybe it really is time for a change. No, seriously. Let me be clear. I know lying is part of a politician's job description. I've been lying like crazy about pretty much everything, and lying has been good to me. That's one of the main reasons I was elected. So far my motto has been to tell as big a lie as possible. Look at our campaign to portray the entire tea party movement, and by extension the Republican party as a bunch of racists and potential terrorists. I mean, that's about as big a lie as you can come up with, and we've been pushing it hard. But you know, I think we've gone about as far as we can go with this whole lying tactic. It just doesn't seem to be working as well as it did before, and it seems the American people want change. I'm all about change. I'm about changing America into a place where the government runs more and more of the economy, and pretty much everything else. Now look carefully and see what I did there, in that last sentence in case you missed it. I told the unvarnished truth. That's the kind of straight talk you can expect from this president from now on.

Thanks to President Obama for taking time out to speak with us on this April Fools Day.

Candid Interview With President Obama - Part 2: Afghanistan

This is a continuation of an Unreligious Right exclusive, an interview of President Obama by John Maddup. Part one can be found here. Please keep in mind that the president was speaking off the record.

Maddup: Where are you on Afghanistan? Are you going to support the McChrystal plan, or go in a different direction? 

Obama: I wish I knew. Cheney says I'm "dithering." Of course I am! I don't have the faintest idea what to do. You know military affairs aren't my thing. Damn that Bush for sticking me with this mess!

Maddup: But Mr. President, with all due respect, you've been president for almost a year now. Isn't it fair to ask why it's taking you so long to come up with your own plan, or to decide between various recommendations?

Obama: Well, John, since I'm being completely honest here, I just don't want to make a decision. I can't see any upside. No matter what I do, I'm going to get blasted by someone. I'd rather focus on health care, or doing the real work of foreign policy, like talking to all of our enemies.

Maddup: I know that as you say, military affairs aren't your thing, but what does your gut instinct tell you?

Obama: It tells me to get the hell out of there as fast as possible. But I can't do that. You know I said all those things about how important Afghanistan was during the campaign. Sure it was just to bash Bush over Iraq, but unfortunately people remember it. I'm not committing political suicide.

Maddup: What about the Biden plan? At least that would cut down on the troop levels.

Obama: You know, I gave that some thought. But there's a problem. 

Maddup: What's that?

Obama: I hate to say this, but you have to consider the source. When has Joe Biden ever been right about anything? The guy is a total flake. Could this be the one time he actually has a decent idea? I don't know if I can take that chance. After all, we are talking about my political future, and my legacy here. I don't want to be the guy that screws up Afghanistan worse than Bush.

Maddup: I see your point. So what are you going to do? 

Obama: I'm going to give it more thought, but I'll tell you what I'm leaning toward, some sort of half-measure.

Maddup: A half-measure?

Obama: That's right. Look, you've got this counterinsurgency idea on the one hand, and the counterterrorism option on the other. Why not do a little of both?

Maddup: Isn't that what we are sort of doing now?

Obama: Well, yeah. But we would do it differently. There'd be a whole new plan. Give something to everyone. That way I can get a little support from each side, instead of massive criticism from one side.  

Maddup: I see. Do you think we should move to a new topic?

Obama: Please, I hate talking about Afghanistan. [Mutters something unintelligible about Bush]

[End Part Two]  

Candid Interview With President Obama - Part 1: Health Care

The Unreligious Right has obtained an exclusive transcript of an unusually candid interview with President Obama, conducted by veteran reporter John Maddup. According to Maddup, the only explanation for Obama's surprisingly straightforward answers was that the president began by saying,

Look, I'm sick of political speech today. You ask whatever you want, and I'll tell you how I really feel. Seriously, I know this is off the record anyway.

[Begin Transcript]

Maddup: Ok, Mr. President. Why don't we start with health care? What do you think of the current version of the bill?

Obama: [Laughs] Well, John, like most Americans, I don't have the slightest idea what all is in that bill. Even most of the people in Congress haven't read the whole thing. You think I'm going to read it? Like I have that kind of time. Please.

Maddup: But sir, how can you support reform if you aren't clear on the details?

Obama: It's very simple. First, I do know that this bill will increase the role of the federal government. Naturally, as head of the federal government, I'm strongly in favor of any expansion of government power. Who wouldn't be? Second, if we pass this bill, I'll get credit for doing something to solve a major problem. People want their government to do something. Passing a big piece of legislation makes it look like we are on the job, taking care of the public, and not just sitting around.

Maddup: But what if it doesn't solve the problems? What if it makes them worse, or creates new problems?

Obama: That could happen. But if it does it'll be the fault of Republicans.

Maddup: How's that? They aren't writing the bill.

Obama: Exactly.

Maddup: I don't understand, Sir. 

Obama: Let's see if I can explain. Democrats control Congress, and of course I'm the president, so you'd think anything that went wrong would be our fault, right? Wrong! We control Congress, true. But Republicans can block things. Plus we have those conservative and moderate weasels in our own party; but let's focus on the GOP. If it weren't for the GOP I could do what I really want, and that's to just nationalize the whole health care system.

Maddup: So you would like to have single-payer national health insurance?

Obama: Of course! But I can't get it because of the GOP. If this bloated monstrosity of a bill screws things up it will ultimately be the fault of Republicans.

Maddup: Ok, Mr. President, I think I see where you are coming from now. Thanks for the explanation.

Obama: No problem, John. One other point I should mention. No matter what else happens with this bill, if we get it passed it will increase government control over health care, as I said before. That's a first step to single-payer. You've got to take a first step before you can reach the finish line. Oops, sorry about that. I slipped back into political speech mode there for a second.

Maddup: That's ok, sir. I know it must be hard to turn it off. Before we move on to other issues, let me ask you one final question regarding health care.

Obama: Hit me.

Maddup: What do you say to those who already have good insurance, and are worried that reform will actually lower the quality of their policies, increase costs, and cause their taxes to rise?

Obama: I say, come on now. When has more government ever lowered quality and efficiency or increased costs? Let's be serious. Who doesn't think that government insurance bureaucrats won't do a better job than private insurance bureaucrats? As for taxes, since when are higher taxes a bad thing? I know I have to pretend to be against higher taxes, but the higher the taxes, the more money we have to work with. And that's a good thing.

Maddup: Alright, Mr. President. That about wraps up the health care issue. Let's turn to another topic.

[End Part One] 

The Obama Intelligence Agency

According to various reports, the Obama administration is thinking about creating a "special unit of professional investigators." Since the U.S. can no longer use some of the methods that prevented another attack for eight years, we need something new. The Unreligious Right has received an advance copy of the top ten rules the Obama Intelligence Agency (OIA) will operate under.

1. No harsh language. Suspected terrorists must be addressed properly and treated with respect at all times.

2. Keep hands to self. Do not invade suspect's personal space.

3. All interrogations must be conducted in climate-controlled rooms optimized for the comfort of each particular detainee. 

4. Comfortable chairs must be used -- for the suspects, not you. Interrogators are free to use a stool, a folding chair, or just stand.

5. Religious lunatic suspects must be supplied with their particular holy book. Said holy book may only be handled with permission, and handling must follow whatever guidelines are provided by the particular religious lunatic being interrogated.

6. Pursuant to item 5, any request for accommodation made on the basis of religion, no matter how idiotic or unnecessary it may appear, must be honored.

7. All suspects must get a full, restful eight hours of sleep before any interrogation. Sleep number beds will be provided to help them feel rested and prepared for questioning.

8. All questions must be supplied in advance and pre-approved by detainee lawyers.

9, There will be a mandatory 15 minute break for every hour of interrogation. Healthy snacks and beverages of choice will be provided to detainees. Interrogations on weekends, holidays, holy days, or outside normal business hours are of course strictly forbidden.

10. Always remember, be polite and don't do anything that might cause offense. You will be personally liable for any lawsuits, and you may be prosecuted.

Two Step Program for Terrorists

Are you a terrorist organization with a public relations problem?  Is terrorism getting you nowhere?  Is world opinion against you?

Perhaps you represent an ethnic or religious group that wants to carve out its own homeland. Maybe you even claim someone else's homeland, and want to destroy theirs and take it over for yourself.  This simple two step program will help transform your image and gain worldwide support for your cause.

Step One:  If you haven't already, convert to Islam. What are you waiting for?  Do it now! Militant Islam and terrorism go together like bread and butter. Take this simple step and you will immediately gain support throughout the Islamic world -- guaranteed!  It doesn't matter how barbarous your actions are, you will get support.  And that's not all.  Believe it or not, many people who don't actually support terrorism, and some who aren't even Islamic, will start to make excuses for your behavior, and begin seeing you as the victim -- no matter what you do. Really!

Step Two: Being a Muslim is a great way to gain support, but this step will put you over the top. Find a way for your enemy to become a vital ally of the United States.  What, you say, won't that cost you support in the U.S. and its allies?  No, in fact you will gain support, even in the U.S. itself.  Yes, you read that correctly.  Turning your enemy into a vital U.S. ally will guarantee you support worldwide, even among many supposed U.S. allies, and even in the U.S. itself.  Believe it or not there is an entire segment of the U.S. population that actually supports groups hostile to U.S. interests.  Yes, really!

If you follow this two step program, you will see an immediate, massive improvement in your public relations position worldwide.  That's an ironclad guarantee! You'll be able to do things like call for the total destruction of your enemy, launch rockets at their civilians, and embark on suicide bombing campaigns. You can murder civilians at will and no one will care!  If your enemy retaliates, you are the victim! You'll even be able to trivialize any and all concessions made by your enemy, and use those concessions as reasons for more terrorism!  And a huge segment of world opinion will support you and condemn your enemy. 

There's just no way to exaggerate the power of this two step program.  Begin today, and the world community will start looking for ways to make you part of a peace process that achieves your goals!  And don't worry, you don't need to give up terrorism.