Two Step Program for Terrorists

Are you a terrorist organization with a public relations problem?  Is terrorism getting you nowhere?  Is world opinion against you?

Perhaps you represent an ethnic or religious group that wants to carve out its own homeland. Maybe you even claim someone else's homeland, and want to destroy theirs and take it over for yourself.  This simple two step program will help transform your image and gain worldwide support for your cause.

Step One:  If you haven't already, convert to Islam. What are you waiting for?  Do it now! Militant Islam and terrorism go together like bread and butter. Take this simple step and you will immediately gain support throughout the Islamic world -- guaranteed!  It doesn't matter how barbarous your actions are, you will get support.  And that's not all.  Believe it or not, many people who don't actually support terrorism, and some who aren't even Islamic, will start to make excuses for your behavior, and begin seeing you as the victim -- no matter what you do. Really!

Step Two: Being a Muslim is a great way to gain support, but this step will put you over the top. Find a way for your enemy to become a vital ally of the United States.  What, you say, won't that cost you support in the U.S. and its allies?  No, in fact you will gain support, even in the U.S. itself.  Yes, you read that correctly.  Turning your enemy into a vital U.S. ally will guarantee you support worldwide, even among many supposed U.S. allies, and even in the U.S. itself.  Believe it or not there is an entire segment of the U.S. population that actually supports groups hostile to U.S. interests.  Yes, really!

If you follow this two step program, you will see an immediate, massive improvement in your public relations position worldwide.  That's an ironclad guarantee! You'll be able to do things like call for the total destruction of your enemy, launch rockets at their civilians, and embark on suicide bombing campaigns. You can murder civilians at will and no one will care!  If your enemy retaliates, you are the victim! You'll even be able to trivialize any and all concessions made by your enemy, and use those concessions as reasons for more terrorism!  And a huge segment of world opinion will support you and condemn your enemy. 

There's just no way to exaggerate the power of this two step program.  Begin today, and the world community will start looking for ways to make you part of a peace process that achieves your goals!  And don't worry, you don't need to give up terrorism.