Wednesday, January 28, 2009

A U.S. Apology to Iran

Iranian president Ahmadinejad responded to Obama's outreach to the Muslim world by demanding that the U.S.
should apologize to the Iranian nation and try to make up for their dark background and the crimes they have committed against the Iranian nation
Here's my point by point U.S. apology to Iran.

1. We apologize for withdrawing our support for the Shah. He was a valuable U.S. ally, and we should have done everything possible to help keep him in power. We are extremely sorry.

2. We apologize for being stupid enough to believe that you might actually replace the Shah's regime with something better. Unfortunately, our president at the time was one of the biggest imbeciles to ever occupy the office. Sorry.

3. We apologize for not declaring war in 1979 when you attacked our embassy and took U.S. citizens hostage. Again, we had an incredibly weak president at the time and he didn't take your blatant act of war seriously enough. We're sorry.

4. We apologize again for failing to respond vigorously enough to your acts of war, when you mined neutral shipping channels and damaged U.S. warships during your war with Iraq. In hindsight, maybe we should have destroyed all your shipping, bombarded your ports, and seized your offshore islands. Sorry for letting you off too easily.

5. We apologize for failing to respond when your proxy Hezbollah blew up our Marine barracks in Lebanon. Sorry for ignoring your attacks against us.

6. We apologize for allowing you to repeatedly interfere in our war with Iraq without consequence. Sorry for not taking your repeated provocations seriously.

7. We apologize for not uncovering and destroying your nuclear program long before it reached its current state. You'll have to excuse us, our intelligence gathering hasn't been too effective for awhile now.  We apologize in advance for having to destroy your country if you ever use the nuclear weapons you are going to build.

8. We apologize for pretending that Iran is a country we can realistically talk to, and conduct negotiations with, in a civilized manner. Some of us tend to forget that your country is run by backward religious fanatics, who don't respond well to anything other than clear, unmistakable threats. Sorry, we'll try to remember.

9. And most of all, we apologize for not doing everything possible to undermine & overthrow the aforementioned group of fanatical religious barbarians who rule your country. Hopefully that situation will be rectified sometime in the future.

I hope that helps, President Ahmadinejad.


  1. We apologize for withdrawing our support for the Shah.

    Nice snark, but that's really no different from a British apology to the US that starts with "We apologize for not declaring war on the Union during your Civil War."

  2. I wasn't aware that Iran was originally colonized by the US.

    That must be what they're teaching in the schools these days.

  3. I'm sorry. That of course makes the two situations totally different.

  4. Barack Obama is trying to be nice to fanatics in the hope they will kill us last

    Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are preparing to write a nice "make up" letter to Iran. They do not understand that the leaders of Iran are fanatics who want to kill us or forcibly convert us to their brand of Islam.

  5. They do not understand that the leaders of Iran are fanatics who want to kill us or forcibly convert us to their brand of Islam.

    It's a welcome change to have leaders who don't "understand" things which no expert would agree with. Foreign Policy has described Iran's regime as a conservative sultanate headed by Khamenei, interested in increasing its stature within a realist framework rather than fomenting apocalypse. Iranian dissidents seem to believe the same thing; for instance, Azar Nafisi has basically portrayed him as brazen and power-hungry, comparing him negatively with the more fanatical Khomeini.