According to various reports, the Obama administration is thinking about creating a "special unit of professional investigators." Since the U.S. can no longer use some of the methods that prevented another attack for eight years, we need something new. The Unreligious Right has received an advance copy of the top ten rules the Obama Intelligence Agency (OIA) will operate under.
1. No harsh language. Suspected terrorists must be addressed properly and treated with respect at all times.
2. Keep hands to self. Do not invade suspect's personal space.
3. All interrogations must be conducted in climate-controlled rooms optimized for the comfort of each particular detainee.
4. Comfortable chairs must be used -- for the suspects, not you. Interrogators are free to use a stool, a folding chair, or just stand.
5. Religious lunatic suspects must be supplied with their particular holy book. Said holy book may only be handled with permission, and handling must follow whatever guidelines are provided by the particular religious lunatic being interrogated.
6. Pursuant to item 5, any request for accommodation made on the basis of religion, no matter how idiotic or unnecessary it may appear, must be honored.
7. All suspects must get a full, restful eight hours of sleep before any interrogation. Sleep number beds will be provided to help them feel rested and prepared for questioning.
8. All questions must be supplied in advance and pre-approved by detainee lawyers.
9, There will be a mandatory 15 minute break for every hour of interrogation. Healthy snacks and beverages of choice will be provided to detainees. Interrogations on weekends, holidays, holy days, or outside normal business hours are of course strictly forbidden.
10. Always remember, be polite and don't do anything that might cause offense. You will be personally liable for any lawsuits, and you may be prosecuted.